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Jun. 11th, 2009
I really should be cleaning and preparing for the garage sale tomorrow. However, I feel like I haven't written anything significant in forever.
The only present I received was a green rubber ducky from Barb. To be honest, it was the best, most meaningful present I've ever gotten in a long time. Now the actual point of receiving presents on my birthday is leaving me. Of course there were things I've wanted, but I don't see a point in having presents given to me on my birthday. I guess it's because ever since my uncle passed away, the only present I want is to receive one last card in the mail. My mother brought back the camera that was his. However, I am not allowed to touch it. It is mine, but I can't use/touch it.
I spent yesterday doing my history homework at the library. I had an amazing dinner with Mike and Susan. I ate cheesecake with my family. Later, I gallivanted to Walmart with Barb and then we went to Steak 'N Shake. After a scrumptious dinner of a Wisconsin style burger and a Red Bull freeze, we held a burping contest in Barb's driveway drinking sparking flavored water. The 2 liter of key lime flavored water tasted like Sprite to me. I found out that I can almost fit a whole rubber ducky in my mouth. I came home, wrote that mini entry, and crashed at about 3 AM.
The other thing on my mind is Adam. He's been on my mind all of yesterday and now today. I feel like everyone is moving on with their life and I am stuck in a loop hole, falling into despair and clawing my way out, then falling again. The cycle is endless and it's beginning to tear bits from my heart. I really miss having someone in my life. I really miss the closure I had at least with some parts of our relationship. I miss hanging out and talking with someone even if all they could do is listen and not contribute. When it came to communication, things were improving. I just want to know.... does he miss me? Does he want me back? He called at 9:59 at night to wish me a happy birthday. It was so incredibly hard for me to resist calling him before then and saying, "Happy 3 and a half Year Moniversary!" Because it's true, it would've been our three and a half year mark. It was weird to hear his voice, but oddly comforting. It was too short and it was awkward. I was anticipating his call all day. I couldn't get him out of my head. He was there, raw, bold, and unavoidable. Why is it that we miss the people that we talk to the least? I had gone on my escapade with Barb after he called. His voice stayed with me while I was hanging out with her. When I came home, he was still online. I texted his screen name. He's never up past 1 AM. His excuse was that he couldn't sleep.
I called him today because he offered to hang out with me. I asked him why he couldn't sleep and half jokingly blamed the weather. He basically agreed with me. Although, I feel like it was somehow my fault. I wasn't supposed to be alone on my birthday. I wasn't supposed to be upset on my birthday. Yet all of these emotions are overwhelming me even after the day I turned 20. A part of me wants to run back to him like the first time we broke up and ask him to give me another chance. Sure, we've had one breakup before and he took me back. I don't think he will this time even if I did ask. Although, I think we both need closure right now. But who am I supposed to think for? Summer is the wrong time to be alone. Too many thoughts.. too much time to think. I hate myself for sitting under my rain cloud. I hate myself because it could've been different. I hate myself because I could've waited a little longer. June 24 at 2 PM, we would've been broken up for 3 months. I am scathing at the fact that I am so thirsty for someone to love me. It felt like he was the only one to do that when times were really rough. Can I blame myself for falling like that and still he caught me? It just felt like we were going downhill. I didn't know what else to do. Part of me screamed to wait, be defiant of the problems we were having as a couple, and the other said to move on. Everyone around me says that I did what was right. I'm feeling the pangs of regret.... not guilt anymore... regret....
The only present I received was a green rubber ducky from Barb. To be honest, it was the best, most meaningful present I've ever gotten in a long time. Now the actual point of receiving presents on my birthday is leaving me. Of course there were things I've wanted, but I don't see a point in having presents given to me on my birthday. I guess it's because ever since my uncle passed away, the only present I want is to receive one last card in the mail. My mother brought back the camera that was his. However, I am not allowed to touch it. It is mine, but I can't use/touch it.
I spent yesterday doing my history homework at the library. I had an amazing dinner with Mike and Susan. I ate cheesecake with my family. Later, I gallivanted to Walmart with Barb and then we went to Steak 'N Shake. After a scrumptious dinner of a Wisconsin style burger and a Red Bull freeze, we held a burping contest in Barb's driveway drinking sparking flavored water. The 2 liter of key lime flavored water tasted like Sprite to me. I found out that I can almost fit a whole rubber ducky in my mouth. I came home, wrote that mini entry, and crashed at about 3 AM.
The other thing on my mind is Adam. He's been on my mind all of yesterday and now today. I feel like everyone is moving on with their life and I am stuck in a loop hole, falling into despair and clawing my way out, then falling again. The cycle is endless and it's beginning to tear bits from my heart. I really miss having someone in my life. I really miss the closure I had at least with some parts of our relationship. I miss hanging out and talking with someone even if all they could do is listen and not contribute. When it came to communication, things were improving. I just want to know.... does he miss me? Does he want me back? He called at 9:59 at night to wish me a happy birthday. It was so incredibly hard for me to resist calling him before then and saying, "Happy 3 and a half Year Moniversary!" Because it's true, it would've been our three and a half year mark. It was weird to hear his voice, but oddly comforting. It was too short and it was awkward. I was anticipating his call all day. I couldn't get him out of my head. He was there, raw, bold, and unavoidable. Why is it that we miss the people that we talk to the least? I had gone on my escapade with Barb after he called. His voice stayed with me while I was hanging out with her. When I came home, he was still online. I texted his screen name. He's never up past 1 AM. His excuse was that he couldn't sleep.
I called him today because he offered to hang out with me. I asked him why he couldn't sleep and half jokingly blamed the weather. He basically agreed with me. Although, I feel like it was somehow my fault. I wasn't supposed to be alone on my birthday. I wasn't supposed to be upset on my birthday. Yet all of these emotions are overwhelming me even after the day I turned 20. A part of me wants to run back to him like the first time we broke up and ask him to give me another chance. Sure, we've had one breakup before and he took me back. I don't think he will this time even if I did ask. Although, I think we both need closure right now. But who am I supposed to think for? Summer is the wrong time to be alone. Too many thoughts.. too much time to think. I hate myself for sitting under my rain cloud. I hate myself because it could've been different. I hate myself because I could've waited a little longer. June 24 at 2 PM, we would've been broken up for 3 months. I am scathing at the fact that I am so thirsty for someone to love me. It felt like he was the only one to do that when times were really rough. Can I blame myself for falling like that and still he caught me? It just felt like we were going downhill. I didn't know what else to do. Part of me screamed to wait, be defiant of the problems we were having as a couple, and the other said to move on. Everyone around me says that I did what was right. I'm feeling the pangs of regret.... not guilt anymore... regret....
