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Fighting With Myself
May. 1st, 2009 06:59 amWe all know there is something wrong if I get up earlier than 8 AM. I have an accusation towards my mentality.
I don't think I can handle it....
My yellow flower is dead. Does that mean that everything about Adam and I are dead too? It certainly feels like it is so... That flower was the last thing I got from him.... Why did he have to make this entire thing awkward? I tried to keep it as neutral as possible. Usually I'm the dramatic one, but he pulled a fast one on me... 7 hours from now, it will be a week since we broke up. But now, I'm fighting myself every second... I am fighting myself every minute of every waking hour. I am fighting to stay sane, to not worry about him, to keep moving forward and hoping that he doesn't stay stuck in the past. Does that mean I'll actually respond thw way I want to when I see something that reminds me of him? No.... never... not today...
He wrote a status on Facebook that read, "needs to get away". Does that mean it was my fault? Does that mean that I broke him to the point where he wants to escape everything and everyone around him? How can he possibly do this to me? Then again, it's not like I'll hold him back. I can't... It's not my right. Is it wrong of me to want to run to his house and hold him until he does finally let go? To the point where he hates me? I'd rather that he hates me than be depressed about a past relationship. It's still early though. It's still early...
I don't know if he reads this journal or not. Last time I heard he was getting it through RSS feed. Shouldn't he be the stronger one who finds me and says "I'll be OK.... you can relax..." even if it's not true? Even if it means faking happiness, at least to spare me? Or am I being selfish for wishing that I didn't have to see him every time I open my eyes? Why does he make it seem like he'll never get over this? It hurts so bad to watch him struggle. I'm worried about him passing finals. I'm worried about his whole Peace Corp ordeal. Overall, worry is weighing down everything I have.
I'm so powerless.... It makes me feel worthless.... undeserving... and ever so lonely....
Today is my sister's Prom. I have to clean the house for her boyfriend's arrival at 3:30 PM. There is still a lot to be done.... Yet I can't seem to move... Four hours of sleep plus too many things on my mind basically ruins today....
I don't think I can handle it....
My yellow flower is dead. Does that mean that everything about Adam and I are dead too? It certainly feels like it is so... That flower was the last thing I got from him.... Why did he have to make this entire thing awkward? I tried to keep it as neutral as possible. Usually I'm the dramatic one, but he pulled a fast one on me... 7 hours from now, it will be a week since we broke up. But now, I'm fighting myself every second... I am fighting myself every minute of every waking hour. I am fighting to stay sane, to not worry about him, to keep moving forward and hoping that he doesn't stay stuck in the past. Does that mean I'll actually respond thw way I want to when I see something that reminds me of him? No.... never... not today...
He wrote a status on Facebook that read, "needs to get away". Does that mean it was my fault? Does that mean that I broke him to the point where he wants to escape everything and everyone around him? How can he possibly do this to me? Then again, it's not like I'll hold him back. I can't... It's not my right. Is it wrong of me to want to run to his house and hold him until he does finally let go? To the point where he hates me? I'd rather that he hates me than be depressed about a past relationship. It's still early though. It's still early...
I don't know if he reads this journal or not. Last time I heard he was getting it through RSS feed. Shouldn't he be the stronger one who finds me and says "I'll be OK.... you can relax..." even if it's not true? Even if it means faking happiness, at least to spare me? Or am I being selfish for wishing that I didn't have to see him every time I open my eyes? Why does he make it seem like he'll never get over this? It hurts so bad to watch him struggle. I'm worried about him passing finals. I'm worried about his whole Peace Corp ordeal. Overall, worry is weighing down everything I have.
I'm so powerless.... It makes me feel worthless.... undeserving... and ever so lonely....
Today is my sister's Prom. I have to clean the house for her boyfriend's arrival at 3:30 PM. There is still a lot to be done.... Yet I can't seem to move... Four hours of sleep plus too many things on my mind basically ruins today....
