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I Need Out Of This Place
May. 31st, 2009 02:41 amThe overwhelming anxiety triggered by my sister with this boy is going to put me in the hospital. They would've been dating 6 months come June 3rd. She was out from after 5 something PM to 2:40 AM.
She didn't leave any way of contact. Why the fuck do you have a cell phone if you leave it off or throw it behind a couch? The least I did was answer the phone while I was dating Adam.
Not to mention, why do I get blamed for her being gone? It's not like I told her to leave. She was gone at 6:30 when I got home from Barb's.
No note was on the wipe board. She didn't answer my call or texts. My parents called me and yelled at ME because SHE was gone and couldn't be reached. How the FUCK is this my fault?!?! I've been home ALL day!
Why do I bother caring?!?! Seriously? I mean, she's almost 18 years old and irresponsible as FUCK. No care in the world. She's going to flunk college and be a bum with that empty head good for only book related things. No common sense whatsoever. Maybe she needs to feel what it's like to fail and not have anyone do her dirty work. She flounced through life... all of it... and her ego keeps her head in her ass.
I want to duct tape her upside down on the wall and scream at her until my throat collapses. It's called communication you ignorant little ____! Usually, if communication between people SUCK then there is DRAMA and hell to pay!
I am ANGRY to the point where I want to leave here for good. Take the shit that's important and never look back.
Maybe I should cut off contact and waltz out of their lives. Because frankly, I'm being driven to wits end.
This stuff seriously boils my blood.. My blood pressure rises and I want to fall into a violent tantrum. But gee, I have to hold it all in. Pretend that none of this bothers me, because when I voice a concern to my parents they just throw it back at me instead of listening. They mock me and laugh because supposedly Ashley can take care of herself. Supposedly their only worry is me and my failures, successes, whatever they are.
Many times I feel like I don't exist, like I don't have anyone. I don't even have Adam anymore.
Who do I live for now? Myself is a joke.... I'm so tired of who I am and what I can't accomplish.
I'm so tired of these things in my life that I can't change. I'm tired of being trapped in a place that has all of the exit doors locked.
When am I going to be released? When am I going to be happy?
I was fortunate enough to taste happiness on my trip. I knew it wouldn't last long after I got home.
No one cares... not here at least... I am alone and feeling the burn of all that is against me.
I don't know if I can take another year of this. I need a way out.
She didn't leave any way of contact. Why the fuck do you have a cell phone if you leave it off or throw it behind a couch? The least I did was answer the phone while I was dating Adam.
Not to mention, why do I get blamed for her being gone? It's not like I told her to leave. She was gone at 6:30 when I got home from Barb's.
No note was on the wipe board. She didn't answer my call or texts. My parents called me and yelled at ME because SHE was gone and couldn't be reached. How the FUCK is this my fault?!?! I've been home ALL day!
Why do I bother caring?!?! Seriously? I mean, she's almost 18 years old and irresponsible as FUCK. No care in the world. She's going to flunk college and be a bum with that empty head good for only book related things. No common sense whatsoever. Maybe she needs to feel what it's like to fail and not have anyone do her dirty work. She flounced through life... all of it... and her ego keeps her head in her ass.
I want to duct tape her upside down on the wall and scream at her until my throat collapses. It's called communication you ignorant little ____! Usually, if communication between people SUCK then there is DRAMA and hell to pay!
I am ANGRY to the point where I want to leave here for good. Take the shit that's important and never look back.
Maybe I should cut off contact and waltz out of their lives. Because frankly, I'm being driven to wits end.
This stuff seriously boils my blood.. My blood pressure rises and I want to fall into a violent tantrum. But gee, I have to hold it all in. Pretend that none of this bothers me, because when I voice a concern to my parents they just throw it back at me instead of listening. They mock me and laugh because supposedly Ashley can take care of herself. Supposedly their only worry is me and my failures, successes, whatever they are.
Many times I feel like I don't exist, like I don't have anyone. I don't even have Adam anymore.
Who do I live for now? Myself is a joke.... I'm so tired of who I am and what I can't accomplish.
I'm so tired of these things in my life that I can't change. I'm tired of being trapped in a place that has all of the exit doors locked.
When am I going to be released? When am I going to be happy?
I was fortunate enough to taste happiness on my trip. I knew it wouldn't last long after I got home.
No one cares... not here at least... I am alone and feeling the burn of all that is against me.
I don't know if I can take another year of this. I need a way out.
