I've listened to this song so many times in the last few days. It somehow is very comforting... I got the lyrics courtesy of songlyrics.com.
Anonanimal
Andrew Bird (Noble Beast)
I see a sea anemone
The enemy
See a sea anemone
And that'll be the end of me.
While the vicious fish was caught unawares in the tenderest of tendrils
Underneath her tender gills
I will become this animal
Perfectly adapted to the music halls
I will become this animal
Anomalous appendages
A non-animal
Hold on just a second
Don't tell me this one you know
I know this one I know this song
I know this one I love this song
Hold on just a second
Don't tell me this one you know
i know this one I know this song
I know this one I love this song
I know this one
Underneath the stalactites
The troglobites lost their sight
Uh oh
The seemingly innocuous plecostomus
though posthumus
They talk to us
They talk too much
See a sea anemone
The enemy
See a sea anemone
That'll be the end of me
Vicious fish was caught unawares
In the tend'rest tendrils
Underneath her tender gills and
I will become this animal
Perfectly adapted to a music hall
I will become this animal
Anomalous appendages
A non-animal
Nothing overly exciting happened today. I just got up half an hour ago. My mother was the one who woke me up. I was criticized for sleeping in a little past 9 AM. Why would I sleep in if I wasn't tired? Not only that, my aunts are here. Great.... more judgmental bullshit. One of them poked their head into my room at about 12:30 in the morning, she asked me what I was doing, I replied "homework".. which was true. I heard in the morning she was telling my parents how it was unhealthy to let their child stay up that late. Arg - I seriously can't stand Asian people. Irony, I am Asian, but I don't judge as much as my parents or my aunts.
Yesterday was an interesting day. It was a crazy looped steel roller coaster that corkscrewed and dropped. As dramatic as gunshots to wake up the neighbors in the middle of the night, or almost as bad.... drama drama.... and more.... *trudges along with hands in pockets* I was awake at around 8:50 and called Barb. She woke up, but didn't finish her paper. Arg - what exactly was the point if I called to wake her up for that purpose and she doesn't do it? I was busy getting ready and relaxing at the same time. I didn't want to freak myself out before the final. So, I laid back down on my bed and slept a little bit more. I was up at 10 because my father came in and woke me up in that matter. I gave my arm a squeeze which made me ask for a back massage. My father is certified in my book for giving great massages and I really needed one. He said there was a knot in the middle of my back. Great.... I started getting ready. I took my shower and all. Meanwhile, it was getting close to 10:35. My parents both started getting impatient. They kept snarling at me to get ready so they can bring me to school. What the heck? I'm doing that... Why do you honestly care? I'm not a child anymore.... Give me my freakin' space! My father got super ticked off and stormed out of the house. Just because I was taking my time. It's not like I had anything important to do. Before he left, he yelled angrily, "do you need a ride or not?!" I answered, "no! just go..!" *slam* and he was gone. My mother followed pursuit and started yelling at me for making my father upset. She called me lazy and ignorant. This was obviously not the way I wanted to start my day with a final at 12:30. Just as things were getting heated, I left my house and Barb finally pulled up at 10:52. We headed to MCC and got to choir just in time. Honestly, I don't get why they had to scream at me. I get there for a rehearsal that many didn't go to anyway. This is fucking America, leave South Korea where it is. I can get to school whenever I want and not get beaten with a ruler at a community college. In fact, I think I'm one of few people who take the whole college thing seriously. I mean, people say MCC sucks because they don't take the time to try hard. Everyone says it sucks because they, themselves make it suck. The school is what the students and staff make of it. I treat MCC like it's NIU. I do my homework in fear of failing from a class. I get to class in fear of failing a class. In other words, I try my fucking hardest. I wish my parents get that. I wish that they'd just understand that just because I'm at a community college doesn't mean I'll make the same mistake. If I do, it's yet another fail to my book of life. I can't afford to let myself down again. I wish they would be proud of me instead of look down upon me. My sister is the worst of all. In her eyes, I am below her. She steps on me like I am a piece of crap on the grass. *sigh* Maybe I should just abandon my family. They obviously don't care in the right way. They are trying to ruin me.... Everything they say is so negative, so hurtful... What makes them think I'll be motivated if they talk to me like that? I don't want to hear, "oh but they care...." because if they did, their motive would be to try to make me smile and love myself instead of making me feel like I fail all the time.
We were in rehearsal for about half an hour or so. Barb went to the computer lab and I found a cozy nook and studied. 12:25 PM rolled around and I found myself in the classroom, staring at the board, feeling my anxiety catch up to me. Hillstrom came out, handed back our papers, and then we started our tests. I'm not sure how I did, but I think I did OK. I fucked up on the listening section with 2 of the excerpts. Other than that, it was great. I hope to get a B on the test. I handed in the extra credit to help my grade. I'm hoping for an A in the course overall.
Barb came and took me home. I was alone in my house until I heard the door open and Jim barked once, Mingke more than once. Not two seconds after that, my father started screaming, "You never went to school, did you?! You didn't go to school. I knew it! I knew you were still here. I knew you never left and that's why you didn't want a ride." That was repeated more than once, an accusation that was completely untrue... He didn't even witness me leaving. He didn't even see where I went. I was so angry, I opened my bedroom door, and screamed back, "Yes, I went to school... I went to school. I went to school....!!!" I stormed down the stairs and looked my father straight in the eye and said angrily, "I went to school and took my final and came back." What the FUCK?! Why would he immediately presume that I didn't go to school? My mother saw me leave... I was so pissed off that I went up to my room, couldn't handle being in there for more than five minutes. Then I did something that surprised me a lot. i called Adam. He answered and it seemed like he was OK. He actually sounded glad to hear me on the other line. I asked if I could see him. He agreed to come get me. But I left my house walking anyway. Halfway down Mira, Adam spotted me. He said, "You really needed to get out, didn't you?" It was so awkward and relieving to see him, to hear him. He drove us to the park. I found myself, seeing only red, in the gazebo. I sat down. He asked, "How are you?" I answered, "miserable....." He asked what was wrong and if I was OK. Just then, I couldn't stop the tears, the chest wrenching sobs, and my sadness from pouring out. Sob after sob escaped me as angry vent after emo vent frantically tumbled out of my mouth. I told him everything I was feeling... Everything that bothered me. I told him I couldn't get back together and I told him I was sorry and that I still cared. He hugged me for a really long time. I seriously needed it. He hugged me as I continued to sit there and wallow in pity and self hate and anguish. But he was finally the stronger one and I finally showed some emotions. You wouldn't believe how many things in the past week and couple days reminded me of him. I told him all of this too. He just nodded and let me rattle on. We decided that we wont refer to each other as ex's.. only because it's so negative. He told me the reason behind the Facebook status. It felt unbelievable to let everything seep out into the open air. Finally, I slowed down and amist the shaking, talked normally with a sniffle here and there. He had to go and asked me to come with. I went because I didn't want to go home. We picked up his sister, dropped her off at tennis and went to get an oil change for his car. We were in Walmart. Emily was on break and she saw us. At first glance, she was all surprised. When she finally reached us, I said, "No, we're just hanging out." I had made it final that I didn't want to get back together. I bought myself Subway and ate it while waiting. It was awkward. All the motions were the same. He still read the menu for me. We got back to the Racket Club and picked Adam's sister and a couple of her friends up. She still seems wary of me being with Adam even though she doesn't know that we aren't together anymore. I don't feel like telling a 10 year old anything. I told Adam I didn't want him to tell her unless she figures it out first because if he tells her, she will parrot it back to anyone when Adam and I hang out. It go something like, "Sarah isn't Adam's girlfriend anymore, why are they out together right now?" There are too many misconceptions about couples who are broken up but still friends. The other thing that kind of irritated me was how smart alek-esque she was on the car ride back. I don't like smart alek little kids. They kind of annoy me. She's cute for a while, then it gets old and kind of irritating.
I had Adam drop me off at Barb's house. We ate food and then she drove me to my house to pick up a tennis racket and a ball. I also found the velcro ball set that I was given for my birthday last year. When I got home, I was, yet again, yelled at and questioned by my mother. She was all "why do you need tennis rackets? Can you even play tennis?" After I left my house, we hit the courts and played some really bad tennis. *grin* I forgot how much effort it took. It was a nice workout. Around half an hour later, it became dark. We played more in the dark and then tried some velcro ball. That was amusing the entire time. We went ont he swings and then the tire swing. We were laughing so hard at each other. The sense of euphoric glee was evident. She dropped me off at 9:15 PM. I spent the majority of the night on the computer.
Today the main goal is to finish both the paper and the essay due for tomorrow.
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