c_for_chaos: (Singing Hamster)

     "Take It or leave it..." I mentally screamed, challenging my reflection in the mirror. It was a battle that was fought mercilessly every night. All I wanted was to avoid a decision. A small key was nestled in my palm. But everything was a choice right? I either wanted it or I didn't. Time didn't wait for me. I saw the little key falling into nothing. Another chance to prove myself wrong disappeared. My reflection knelt on the floor and stared daggers into my mind. "You're better than this...." It hissed. "You could've escaped. You could've been happy." I only saw darkness and my head began to throb. It seemed nothing was ever going to be what I yearned for. My reflection was right, I wasn't strong enough.
     A sharp siren continuously cried in my ear as a new day began. The melancholy words from the night before stained my thoughts. I didn't want to move. I had no energy. What good is another day if I was going to be haunted by my consistent anxiety and paranoia at every waking hour? College students aren't supposed to be going through mid-life crises. I suppose I can't call myself a normal, able bodied college student ready for combat at O800 hours.
     Leaving the bed was always an issue. Early morning functioning is like a Starbucks coffee shop on fire:.devastating, unwanted, and unavoidable.... I would much rather relive the same dream over and over again instead of being a person. Fact, I would rather resume my life as my dog Jim who doesn't seem to care about anything other than overdosing on ice cubes, farting when he pleases, and reverse snorting to show his disapproval with anything and everything I do. But he manages to stay a dog and deal with my bullshit on a daily basis.
     Jim yowled to show he was awake and ready. He thudded one gargantuan paw on my arm hanging over the side of the bed. I shouldn't blame him for being hungry. I would be too if I didn't have opposable thumbs and abilities to rade the fridge whenever I wanted. Then again, I'd be more focused on hibernating and being lazy. But guide dogs can't have this personality. Not! That's right. Jim is a guide dog. One doesn't see many of those on a college campus now do they? Mr. Fresh Prince of Neptune continued to harass me until I crumbled under his charm and weight of paw. I congratulated myself for hauling ass and feeding my miniature beluga whale. If only I won cash prizes for caring for my companion, I would be feasting on a crepe the size of my desk.
     You'll hear a gasp of surprise from my friends and family if they see me up and about by 8 AM. I'm not one of those early humming birds that wake up to sip at a soy latte with a pinch of sugar. My morning routine consists of grumbling, scratching, grumbling, sauntering around my house in bed clothes, and yawning uptrillion times. Yogi Bear can't even kick my ass. Let's face it, I am not a morning person. 
     My parents don't understand the concept of being nocturnal. They've claimed that I've had issues with sleep since I was a young smidgen of an Asian girl child. My mother always told me that she would try to make me sleep by all means. Most nights she would be up till 2 in the morning. She later admitted she left me alone until I fell asleep on my own. Little Beast Moi had to terrorize the play room til I was red flagged and put down for going .826 miles on the carpet speedway and causing a surprising amount of seven head on collisions with Senour Bear and Raggedy Anne. The play room was a display for a pre Tornado Korean. We did live in IL which is part of Tornado Alley. Disasters come in small packages.
       Mom and Dad were against my sleep deprivation from youth to the present. They were all for taking away all my privileges when I was living at home. I can still hear, "Computer off at 10 PM. Cell phone in my hand at 10 PM." Ah, Dad.... Broken English is a joy in my life. Sometimes it screws with my mental stability when it results to bustin' a belt loop while laughing til I was Caucasian. I still managed to weedle my way into greedily snatching computer time and house phone usage when all was silent throughout the house at 3 AM. Korean or not, I'm still a ninja when I want to be. However, my swift moves did not last for long.
     College opened its muscular arms and hefted me into a world of no rules and serious consequences. Most want to think, "Thanks for dropping me on my head 21 times, Mammie and Pap." But seriously. I thought I was going to fare well in this foreign location where learning is supposed to take place. For a chick with a vision impairment, the world is my oyster. I could get kicked out with one mistake or become the next President...... HA! A Korean President of the United States..... Probably not possible until the 23rd century when teloportation equals transportation. Oops, did I say that?
     I had a bundle of opportunities ahead of me. Where to start, no one knew. Usually an undecided major doesn't know jack shit about their future. I was about to find out more about myself than all of my 18 years of life combined.


I'm writing a memoir because I feel like it. Please read and comment. This is only the beginning. I should be doing english homework but writing prose is so much more fun than writing a research paper.


c_for_chaos: (Default)

October 2011

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