c_for_chaos: (Singing Hamster)
You'd think that over an hour of shoveling ice would help me get over my anxieties, a release of everything built up inside.
I wasn't told to do it, I'm one of those people who love shoveling snow.
But there was no snow, only ice. Stubborn, unyielding, ice.... Scraping...... just getting by... doesn't cut it. It's not enough to go through ice and shatter it and clear it off like a clean slate.
I still sit here with my fingers burning and my mind blurred with thoughts, so surreal.... mine, but detached.... 
Adam and I lunched with my father today.
My father spoke to Adam and he might not have known, but I was listening with my heart.
..... I thought I was broken, but now there is still a shard of that hope that was supposedly nonexistent..... Lost.
I didn't think I'd find it again.
Adam was listening intently. He doesn't seem to care much about anything. No emotions can be read on his face or heard in his voice.
Never.
Or what one may call never. It bothers me, but continuously singing my song will not help him realize he needs to be more than just a shell.
No one can read his mind..... I can only predict how he will react.
Usually, I'm right.
My father's words still electrify my thoughts. Everything he said, I don't want to forget. Why can't he speak to me like he speaks with Adam?
Maybe I should've been a boy?
Maybe I need to learn how to live my life without mistakes...?
But mistakes help me learn.... become..... see..... So much results from my mistakes.
This will work out somehow..... I need it to.
I have dreams, not falling stars....
Does that make sense?

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c_for_chaos

October 2011

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